All Intensive Purposes

When you've got Bill Simmons at ESPN.com answering his mailbag:

Q: I fully expect that after Clemens wins his 333rd game, in his press conference, he will take off his cap and will pull back his hair – revealing an identical 333 burned into his scalp; thus fulfilling the prophecy. This will immediately be followed by all the reporters in the room melting away, with their bones exploding like in "Raiders of the Lost Ark."
–William S., New York

[Bill Simmons]: The best part about this would be Wilbon and Kornheiser discussing the incident on PTI the following day.

Kornheiser: "All right, Wilbon, some sad news last night, we found out that Roger Clemens was indeed the anti-Christ, as nearly 50 reporters – including some of the best this business had to offer – were melted to death after the prophecy was fulfilled. Wilbon, you were there, but you were able to get out of the room in time … how does this affect Roger Clemens' legacy?

Wilbon: "Oh, it absolutely affects his legacy! There's no question! Tony, he killed 50 media members! He melted them to death!"

Kornheiser: "But he's still the greatest pitcher of the last 50 years!"

Wilbon: "Tony, he's the anti-Christ!"

Kornheiser: "I don't see how that affects his Hall of Fame resume – 333 wins, over 4,500 strikeouts, 7 Cy Youngs … "

Wilbon: "Tony, he's a mass murderer! Pete Rose isn't in the Hall of Fame for gambling on baseball, this guy melted 50 people! He almost killed me!"

Kornheiser: "Well, that shouldn't affect what he accomplished on the field. Ty Cobb wasn't a nice guy either. [We hear a bell in the background.] Moving to the NBA Finals … "

Can't say I watch PTI much, but that sounds about right to me.